Forgiveness After Abuse: My Love for God Is Greater

This is a personal testimony about forgiveness after childhood sexual abuse, justice, and the grace God gives to love beyond human limits. It is not a prescription or timeline for healing, but a witness to what God has done in my own heart. While difficult to share publicly, I share it in obedience and hope it brings light to someone seeking healing through faith.

The Beginning

I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child.

The man who assaulted me was a serial offender. We know of at least eight victims who have come forward, and we suspect there were many more. His abuse spanned roughly fifty years. Back then, things were different. Families kept things quiet.

Eventually, I helped get him behind bars. He is currently in prison, facing a sentence of over 100 years.

As Christians, we are told to forgive and to love our enemies. This is something I return to from time to time and reflect on. Do I truly forgive him?

There are moments when I want him to suffer — not just for what he did to me, but for what he did to so many innocent children. I am one of the fortunate ones. I’ve been able to make peace with what happened. Others were not so lucky.

Two of my cousins battled addiction for years and eventually lost their lives far too young. Several other victims struggle in different ways and have not been able to overcome what was done to them.

And yet, God gave me a path to find gratitude even in this. Thanks be to God.

A Path Through the Pain

I once heard that God can take your greatest pain and turn it into light. He did that for me.

Around the time my abuser was arrested, I began reaching out to family members to see if any other victims were willing to testify. Many were beyond the statute of limitations, but their testimony could still help show the jury the pattern of his crimes.

That’s when I reconnected with my cousin, Jenn.

Jenn had struggled with alcoholism for many years and had been homeless for much of her life. You can put the pieces together. She had a sensitive, kind, loving soul, but she couldn’t bear the weight of what she had been through. Still, she wanted to help, so I took her into my home and tried to get her the help she needed.

At the same time, my boyfriend (now my husband) was struggling with addiction. Over those months, something changed. Seeing addiction from the other side — through Jenn — transformed him.

It took time, but Jenn eventually got sober. She found an apartment and was doing well… until she fell again. She passed away at just 36 years old.

It devastated us. Especially my husband.

I will never fully understand the bond they shared, but I am endlessly grateful for it. I know, without a doubt, that I would not have the husband I have today if it were not for Jenn — and for God. And I would never have reconnected with Jenn if it were not for the horrific things I endured as a child.

God truly took my worst pain and turned it into something unimaginably beautiful.

My marriage is filled with a love I don’t have words for. It is where I came to know the depth of God’s love for me — because He showed it to me through my husband. He is the one place I feel completely safe.

For that, I am profoundly grateful.

Because of this, I know I am one of the fortunate ones. Not everyone receives moments like this. For reasons I may never fully understand, God allowed me to. I don’t take that for granted. I thank Him every day for this blessing, and I carry deep empathy for those who have not yet found healing. I pray for them and trust that God will one day give them the comfort they need.

The Letter I Couldn't Send

Through this experience, I have been able to heal. I believed, for a long time, that I had forgiven my abuser.

At one point, I felt compelled to write him a letter — telling him I forgave him and sharing the message of Divine Mercy. But I couldn’t bring myself to send it. I wrestled with this for years, revisiting it again and again, always deciding no.

The truth is this: I feared that if I forgave him, God would forgive him too. And he deserves to suffer. He deserves hell — not just for what he did to me, but for what he did to so many others.

And then my thoughts turned inward.

So do I.

I am not innocent. Scripture tells us that if we break one commandment, we are guilty of breaking them all. His sins may be greater than mine, but we are both guilty. We both deserve damnation.

What I truly wanted was justice. And that desire was holding me back from forgiveness.

Forgiveness After Abuse: The Cross

"The Crucifixion" Original sacred artwork by Talmid Studios

Then the Holy Spirit revealed something to me.

Yes, he deserves punishment. He deserves to be crucified on that cross. I pictured him there instead of Jesus, and I imagined myself sitting at the foot of the cross, watching him receive what he deserved.

I have meditated on the Passion many times, especially through my devotion to Our Lady of Sorrows. I’ve imagined myself at the foot of Christ’s cross, feeling the weight of that sorrow. Placing my abuser on the cross instead was deeply personal.

I asked myself how I would feel watching him suffer that way. Would I feel joy? Satisfaction? Would I cheer, like the crowds who mocked Jesus?

No.

I felt sorrow.

I saw his agony. I saw his pain. I knew he deserved it — and yet I felt empathy. He is human. I saw his brokenness. Maybe he did what he did because of sins committed against him. Maybe he, too, was abused as a child. I don’t know.

I felt hope — hope that he is truly sorry.

Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t.

And then I realized something else.

He is still God’s child. God loves him. 

How could I cheer for the suffering of someone God loves?

How could I be pleased to cause my God pain by watching His own child suffer?

My desire for justice is great, but my love for God is greater.

Yes, he hurt me. Yes, I long for justice. Yes, I wish he were truly repentant. But even if he is not, I do not want his suffering on my account.

And with a genuine heart, I can say this: I forgive him.

Forgiveness is not excusing wrongdoing.

It is saying yes, they deserve justice — but I release them from suffering on my account.

I relinquish my claim.

This, I believe, is what it means to love our enemies.

Love is wanting what is best for the other person, even at our own expense.

I can now honestly say that I do not hold him guilty for the sins committed against me. I place his good above my desire for vengeance. And I know — with certainty — that this is not something I could do on my own. Only God could move my heart this way.

I have been praying deeply for the gift of charity — spending hours before the Blessed Sacrament, asking for that grace after the confession of my sins. I desire so deeply to love as God loves, especially those who have hurt me. Not because they deserve it, but because I love God so deeply and do not want to hurt Him.

For the first time, I see clear evidence of that grace at work in me.

Thanks be to God for this beautiful gift.

And as difficult as it is to share this story, God tells us to go and proclaim what He has done for us - and so I do. I pray this testimony reaches someone who needs it.

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

<3 Talmida Ti